Month 13

So, this is where I will recap the prior month in the life of Baby Bug. It's something new I'm going to shoot for each month. Mostly because I want to remember each adorable moment that has so quickly passed us by, and partly because her crap-bag baby book only goes to month 12 and I don't like the alternative which is a trillion little pieces of paper - or better yet Post It's - sticking out every which a way from the damn thing. Just what she needs is one more 'pop up' book to rip all the pop ups out of!

So, in honor of my laziness we will now commence with bullet points:

Dear Baby Bug,

You are a silly little one year old. So far I very much enjoy 1! Keep up the good work.

Love, Mom

PS - Here's what you did last month that was new AND that I remembered to jot down before I forgot it.

• Standing up in the bath tub. It drives me nuts because more than once you have slipped and not learned your lesson. Remind me to buy some of those adhesive thingys that go on the bottom so I can stop telling you to sit like the dog every 23 seconds.
• Walking behind your Lion. Grandma got you this silly little toy for your birthday. Yer dumb Ma thought we'd be staring at this thing for awhile before you got the hang of it. Then I actually stood you up behind it just to see what would happen and you took off like a rocket. I love watching this whole new walking thing you've got going on. It's like a little old person behind a walker, except it's YOU!
• We added breakfast to your daily repertoire of things to put in your hair.
• You put food in your hair! Why? After you take a few bites you run your fingers through your hair. It's kinda gross.
• Throwing food. This one drives your Dad nuts. We have to tell the dog to get out of the room 45 times during every meal cause he thinks you are like this cool new food thrower we got for him. The Crumb Dropper 2000. We think you should stop ruining the carpet and try actually putting it in your mouth.
• Digging in the couch. Yes, you are our little scavenger. You've always loved being on the couch. This is nothing new. From day one we would prop you up in between us and chill as usual. Except now you've gone from crawling between us to digging down behind the cushions. You'll lie on your belly and wedge your arm down in there real good and then come out with your treasure. Usually it is a wad of dog or cat hair which you'll inspect carefully before stuffing in to your mouth. But sometimes it's an old piece of popcorn, etc which you will promptly shove in your pie hole. It is getting hard to keep up with this yanking shit from your mouth bit. When will you start to identify food as food and crap as "icky"?
• We turned your car seat around to face forward. Oh happy day: traffic. This was pretty much a non-event. Oh sure, everyone says "Just wait till she can see out and watch you". What they did not say was "Then you'll have no where to attach her toys and she will promptly chuck everything to the floor".
• You had some new foods. Your first: piece of pizza, hotdog, cake!, snickers, yogurt, and chili. (2 out of 6 healthy things. We rock.)

Until next month!

Mmmmmm, Pumpkin!

Yesterday was an awesome day! We went to the pumpkin patch, which um turns out not to be a patch anymore. Guess ya gotta go earlier if you want 'em fresh! But we did still pick one out from a cart. We also walked through the apple orchards and took some really awesome pictures. I wish we had a tripod so we could have got some of the three of us cause instead all we got were these self taken ghetto ones. This one turned out the best.

Then we went home and the cranky one took a nap and the lazy one watched football and the Mommy one baked! I cut and cooked the little pumpkin and then mashed and squeezed it until I had fresh pumpkin puree. Then I made that in to bread and we had yummy fresh as fresh can be pumpkin bread and then I made the seeds. Mmmmmm. After all that though, we had leftovers for dinner cause that was a lot of work and not saying it wasn't worth it but next time I'll probably just buy the stuff in the can and save myself like 3 hours!

Speaking of time savers. Anyone have this new fancy 'high speed' internet thing at home? Cause back in the stone ages where I'm from we still have dial up AKA 'don't waste your time internet'. Sheesh, what a pain. I actually have to take the phone cable from the computer and plug in to the wall in the kitchen and wait to get online and then wait to open the web page. It took 2 hours to upload a set of pictures. That's not included the 16 time AOL kicked me offline and I had to re-sign on and upload again. Then I tried to change my header picture from home and fagetaboutit! It took 30 minutes of "processing" to do what my work computer here did in 2 minutes! Dear Santa, please bring me roadrunner and I promise I will be a good girl all year.

In other news, Hubby is going today to drop off his application to the Army to his recruiter. I am scared. I don't if I'm irrationally scared or if this is normal scared so I put on a brave front and told everyone how exciting it will be to live on base. And inside? I want to grab him by the collar and scream at him "Please don't do it!". I can't though. The alternative here isn't any better. I know he wants this. I know it's a better life for us, but I haven't told him any of my fears because I don't want him a) to know I'm scared for fear of holding him back and b) to use that to back out. Make sense? I'm really trying hard to be this Super Wife who always stands by her man and does what's good for the family but I'll admit, I'm kinda shaking in my shoes here. I told him just Friday that we can't let fear rule our lives. Now, I have to stand by that statement. It sounded so great at the time, lets see if I can put my money where my mouth was.

Go Ahead and Try to Pronounce it Like I Did

This is just a warning that NaBloPoMo is coming. Yeah, like I said. Go ahead and try to annunciate it like I did. I'll wait........ ha! It's an acronym! Roughtly translated it means "write your ass off in November". And I'm gonna try too so you just be prepared!

Also, I updated my blogroll over there -------------->

It funny how you drift back and forth to a few sites and then in another direction all together sometimes. Just thought I'd keep you updated on that too.

My Dreams Need an Exorcism

I was too nervous to pee this morning. Yeah, I know! I had to pee in a cup so I could use some extremely generic brand pregnancy test to test my own urine. I then had to build up the courage to not look at the thing for 60 whole seconds. It was negative. Praise. The. Lord. I do not know what I would have done if it would have been positive. But my subconscious brain does.

For two weeks now I have plagued by horrible nightmares. Not of the 'zombie or gone to work naked' variety either. The 'I'm carrying a fetus in my womb' variety. You think that isn't so bad, I know you, but for me it's pure panic in REM. You see when I was first pregnant with my lil bugger my dream told me so. I had said dream the night I should have started my period. In real life I didn't even notice it hadn't started. Really, who's got time to mark this type of shit on a calendar. So I go to bed none the wiser. My internal biological clock however just couldn't wait to ruin that for me!

(chimey music/cut to flash back)....I show up at work and I go outside on break with my two work buds and they are gossiping as usual and one of them turns to me and says "Oh my gosh, guess who's pregnant? I heard someone missed their period". And I'm all "Who?" And they both stare at me. *blink* *blink* Dead stares.
[oh, yeah that was the dream. In case you couldn't tell]

So, I wake up and go to the loo for my top 'o the mornin piss and pull out a spare pregnancy test from the back of cabinet. Everyone has one of those right? From the last time you had a scare and you bought a three pack? Well, whatever I do. So I pee on it and set it on the counter and proceed to turn on the shower and whatnot. (Can you tell I was totally expecting another negative?) And I look back at the bitch on the counter there and holy, fuck no, mother of a cow in my bathroom, there's two lines. Clear as day, two lines. I took my shower as usual and processed the information.

Anyway, I digress. The point is: the dreams, they came back. Except... I've been on stuff since after the kid was born and my doctor said it was OK to be on stuff so that this whole 'pregnant thing' didn't happen again. You know what I mean? But the dreams! And then I think about that poor unlucky bunch of mom who are on that 1%. You know the other part of the 99% effective group. Sonofabitch. So after being plagued by these nightly glimpses of pregnant me. Very surreal, real life, dream version of pregnant me, I break down and buy the test.

That was the worst thing I could have done. I wish my non-psychic husband would have just went and bought the damn thing and surprised me in the morning because it was a most tortuous night waiting to get up and pee. I contemplated getting out of bed at 5:00 when I rolled over but noooooooo, I had to nod back off and have another nightmare first.

The Story of 3:00AM

That can't be good. It's never a good sign when you wake up from having confused nightmares about work. With a headache. A headache so bad you don't even have to open your eyes or move your head from your pillow to feel. Please go back to sleep baby girl, please. I know she won't, she rarely does. I act like I'm still sleeping. It's not fair, it rarely it but I have to be up for work again in a few hours and my head, my damn head just hurts so bad. Why is she awake again.
He crawls out of bed. Silence. Finally silence. He crawls back in to bed. Ahhhh, that was easy. She's crying again. I get nudged. So that's what it feels like. It's my turn to go tame the dragon. As soon as I walk in to the room the crying becomes more panicked, she's seen me, she's afraid I'm going to leave the room again. I try the usual. It doesn't work. I start to ponder the possibilities for this night of unrest but the list and the tactics I'd implore are too long. I just don't have it in me. My head hurts. I grab her and fall in to the spare bed. Here little girl, you get your way tonight.
I draw her close to me and she's oh so quiet as she nurses herself back to sleep. I think about how I'll wake up for work with no alarm clock. I think about her psyche. Am I spoiling her by not making her self soothe? Work this one out yourself kiddo, Mommy's got to lay in bed and be tormented by your scream. No, she'll be fine. We'll be fine. We've got sleep to attend to right now. Too busy to worry. Night baby girl.

I'm Sorry, I Have Selfish Pride

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Oh, why am I a selfish assbag sometimes? Or any of us for that matter. I did something the other night that still blows my mind. And I did it!

I was a snotty rude bitch to my new husband. And I didn't apologize. Oh, it's okay, you're saying. It happens sometimes that spouses forget to say sorry. You'd be right, it does. But I was more pig headed than that. I refused to apologize. I actually said, out loud "I don't offer apologies in this house, you should know that". I can feel your collective internet shock as I type this. How could she be so crass? That's a good question. It was stupid. I accused him of having the debit card and he said no he didn't and I said yes you do and he said well go check in your purse cause I don't have it. And so I did. And it was. And then he had the nerve to say to me "I'll take that apology now". That really pissed me off for some reason. I don't exactly know why, but him saying that pushed a button.

It brought back the old days when my mom would force me to apologize to my sister after I did something and I would sulk and growl and manage to push out a weak, barely inaudible "I'm sorry" to her. And then Mom would say 'like you mean it!' and and she would get and even louder angrier "I'm sorry I hit you!" (or stole your toy, or pulled your hair, or whatever, you fill in the blank). And ever since then I have never, never been good at apologies. I suck at them, they are hard for me, it's like pulling teeth. I sulk and mumble 'sorry' to this day and I hope that those who know me just know that I am sorry and I mean it but something, call it selfish pride, or childhood trauma prevents me from issuing that really well needed apology. And Brandon? He's great at it. When we fight he always comes to me afterward with the best apologies. You know, the kind that really make me forgive him. Cause he was an ass and now he's sorry and he told me so. Wow. How does he do that. My sister? I still remember her apologies the best. She was snuggle up to me with adoration and guilt in her eyes and say "I'm sorry sissy". And she was and my mom didn't have to force her to tell me so. Over the years we reduced our apologies to a simple "my bad" and it was implied.

I should have the common sense by now to know that I am going to cause some major issues in our relationship unless I learn to bite the bullet and fess up. "I'm sorry I accused you of having the debit card honey." See, that was one sentence that could have saved a huge fight! Why didn't I just say it? What's funny is that the next day after I've lived with the guilt I'd caused my self, I came home to apologize and I tried, I really did, but I thought no. Too much time has passed, it's not even a big deal anymore. But I don't know deeply I was shitting my self. Is it ever to late to say I'm sorry?

Yesterday we had another spat. And I was mad. BUT......I cooled down and I went up to him and I said "I'm sorry we fought". Hmf. It was close right. It had the right words. Right? Listen people, that was hard enough for me to do! Next time (maybe, just maybe) I will do it right. But for now it's a start and I hope it doesn't go unnoticed that I apologized. Because I want to be wrong. I do say sorry in this house. And from now on, you should know that.

Numero Uno!

My baby is one year old! Wow. I mean, wow! I've said it like 20 times today but I'll say it once more. Where did this last year go? Do they all go this fast?



I wish I had a nice picture of her today on her birthday to post. Unfortunately, I wasn't that 'on the ball' this morning. Heck, I wish I could say I even remembered it was her birthday this morning. Not that I forgot but I was more excited for Sunday when I get to watch her play with her cake. No, it was a good 10 minutes in to her morning breakfast that it dawned on me. My one year old baby. Wow.

I'm speechless. Savor it bitches.

I wish I could post a picture or too, but I'll have to wait. Wish us luck on the whole cake in the face thing!