Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Welcome Back

If there is anyone left reading this I’m sorry to say but this post isn’t going to be any good. I KNOW I am going to ramble and wonder and digress and maybe even babble so you can’t say I didn't warn you. This concludes your warning, so on with the crap!

My lack of access to the internet is really affecting me! Since I’ve been cut off I obviously haven’t kept up with MY blogs, and by this I mean all the peeps I read on a daily basis. It’s sad really. I check in once and awhile but I feel I’m missing so much. Is that pathetic? I miss you internet and I don’t care who knows! Secondly, it has also affected my inspiration. When I don’t read other great blogs I feel less inspired to dribble about on mine. I’ve also had to face the fact that I’m afraid of said inspiration.

Let’s back up shall we?

I’ve been depressed. Hey – who hasn’t right? Join the club girlfriend, sheesh!
No, but I actually went to my doctor and got me some meds. It was scaaaaarrrrryyy. I had a friend talk me up about first. I mean in order to get drugs you have to first admit to yourself that you do need them and then you have to tell others. Aahhhhhhhhh! Others! My husband was the worst. "Hey Honey, I know your ex wife went on anti-depressants and then left you but I really think I need them because we’ve been fighting daily and I cannot stop crying for the life of me. Whadda ya think?" Ha!

So for those of you who read my first couple posts you know that Hubby was supposed to join the National Guard right. And so we had to hurry up and get married you see. And we moved in to a really uber small apartment because we thought it was just going to be the kid and me for a few months right. And we thought we were going to be getting a 20,000-dollar enlistment bonus soon to get us out of this hole and we borrowed money from our parents for said shotgun wedding and (inhale) that will teach us to do anymore thinking. Hubby ended up getting denied. SO… we submitted waivers and wrote letters to the governor and reopened court cases to get charges amended (like his DUI) and re-applied and held our breath. And after awhile when he didn’t hear back from his recruiter he called another recruiter at the office and it went a little something like this: "Hi, I’m checking on my application because my recruiter won’t call me back". "Well sir it says here in the computer that your application to join was denied a week ago. Sorry. Try back in a year". That was a fun night in our house. That was in January. In the meantime he’s been a stay at home Dad since we already pulled the kid out of daycare to save money before he left. I hate it. I’m the one that was supposed to stay home with my baby dammit!

Ok, so I’m adjusting to seeing my husband all the time whereas I had mentally prepared myself to not see him for 4 months and I got my family breathing down my neck on every phone call ‘when’s he gonna find a job?’, and we’re piss poor and we’re sharing one car and I have to tell everybody that no, he’s not leaving now and yes, I’m the one who works and yes, I’m just fricking fine with all of this.

Not! It’s frustrating. It sucks. I want my old life back. I want to crawl in a hole and cry 24/7, but I can’t and so since I can’t stop the crying I do it anyway and people look sideways at me as I swear that really I’m fine. Normal people cry at their desk all day right? Oh, and it’s winter in Wisconsin so guess how much fresh air and sunlight I’m getting? And I’ll tell ya another thing, I ain’t losing any weight during any of this either!

So, I’ve been on meds for about 6-7 weeks now and I’m feeling much better. Hubby and I went to Las Vegas 2 weeks ago with our tax money (more on that in another post) and we are doing much better. It’s getting in the 40’s during the day so it’s a damn heat wave and I can get outside once and awhile. In other words, I can see some light at the end of tunnel. It’s up there somewhere. Hubby is still looking for a job but I’m not breathing down his neck anymore because – hey who knows of any time that that has ever worked on a man and also then we’d have to find and pay for daycare and baby bug wouldn't get to stay in her pj’s all day long! Lookee I am an optimist after all.

It’s silly but I have John (this guy) to thank for blogging again. I had given up writing because it was too painful. It hurt just to be me, let alone talk about being me. But yesterday I googled Dr Frank Spears (cause it was work related and I can do that boring crap on the internet) and it lead me to his blog and I was all ‘so, the internet IS still out there’ and ‘I didn’t know dentists were real people’, [j/k] but if he can blog about work, family, life (isn’t that what all blogging is about) then by-golly I can get back on that horse too. So, thanks. I owe lots of thanks, to many people, but for right now, thank you oh-holy-blog-of-pouring-my-life-out-on-virtual-paper-if-for-nothing-other-than-for-therapeutic-value. I needed this.

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