Friday, September 28, 2007

I'm Sorry, I Have Selfish Pride

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Oh, why am I a selfish assbag sometimes? Or any of us for that matter. I did something the other night that still blows my mind. And I did it!

I was a snotty rude bitch to my new husband. And I didn't apologize. Oh, it's okay, you're saying. It happens sometimes that spouses forget to say sorry. You'd be right, it does. But I was more pig headed than that. I refused to apologize. I actually said, out loud "I don't offer apologies in this house, you should know that". I can feel your collective internet shock as I type this. How could she be so crass? That's a good question. It was stupid. I accused him of having the debit card and he said no he didn't and I said yes you do and he said well go check in your purse cause I don't have it. And so I did. And it was. And then he had the nerve to say to me "I'll take that apology now". That really pissed me off for some reason. I don't exactly know why, but him saying that pushed a button.

It brought back the old days when my mom would force me to apologize to my sister after I did something and I would sulk and growl and manage to push out a weak, barely inaudible "I'm sorry" to her. And then Mom would say 'like you mean it!' and and she would get and even louder angrier "I'm sorry I hit you!" (or stole your toy, or pulled your hair, or whatever, you fill in the blank). And ever since then I have never, never been good at apologies. I suck at them, they are hard for me, it's like pulling teeth. I sulk and mumble 'sorry' to this day and I hope that those who know me just know that I am sorry and I mean it but something, call it selfish pride, or childhood trauma prevents me from issuing that really well needed apology. And Brandon? He's great at it. When we fight he always comes to me afterward with the best apologies. You know, the kind that really make me forgive him. Cause he was an ass and now he's sorry and he told me so. Wow. How does he do that. My sister? I still remember her apologies the best. She was snuggle up to me with adoration and guilt in her eyes and say "I'm sorry sissy". And she was and my mom didn't have to force her to tell me so. Over the years we reduced our apologies to a simple "my bad" and it was implied.

I should have the common sense by now to know that I am going to cause some major issues in our relationship unless I learn to bite the bullet and fess up. "I'm sorry I accused you of having the debit card honey." See, that was one sentence that could have saved a huge fight! Why didn't I just say it? What's funny is that the next day after I've lived with the guilt I'd caused my self, I came home to apologize and I tried, I really did, but I thought no. Too much time has passed, it's not even a big deal anymore. But I don't know deeply I was shitting my self. Is it ever to late to say I'm sorry?

Yesterday we had another spat. And I was mad. BUT......I cooled down and I went up to him and I said "I'm sorry we fought". Hmf. It was close right. It had the right words. Right? Listen people, that was hard enough for me to do! Next time (maybe, just maybe) I will do it right. But for now it's a start and I hope it doesn't go unnoticed that I apologized. Because I want to be wrong. I do say sorry in this house. And from now on, you should know that.

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