Thursday, October 25, 2007

My Dreams Need an Exorcism

I was too nervous to pee this morning. Yeah, I know! I had to pee in a cup so I could use some extremely generic brand pregnancy test to test my own urine. I then had to build up the courage to not look at the thing for 60 whole seconds. It was negative. Praise. The. Lord. I do not know what I would have done if it would have been positive. But my subconscious brain does.

For two weeks now I have plagued by horrible nightmares. Not of the 'zombie or gone to work naked' variety either. The 'I'm carrying a fetus in my womb' variety. You think that isn't so bad, I know you, but for me it's pure panic in REM. You see when I was first pregnant with my lil bugger my dream told me so. I had said dream the night I should have started my period. In real life I didn't even notice it hadn't started. Really, who's got time to mark this type of shit on a calendar. So I go to bed none the wiser. My internal biological clock however just couldn't wait to ruin that for me!

(chimey music/cut to flash back)....I show up at work and I go outside on break with my two work buds and they are gossiping as usual and one of them turns to me and says "Oh my gosh, guess who's pregnant? I heard someone missed their period". And I'm all "Who?" And they both stare at me. *blink* *blink* Dead stares.
[oh, yeah that was the dream. In case you couldn't tell]

So, I wake up and go to the loo for my top 'o the mornin piss and pull out a spare pregnancy test from the back of cabinet. Everyone has one of those right? From the last time you had a scare and you bought a three pack? Well, whatever I do. So I pee on it and set it on the counter and proceed to turn on the shower and whatnot. (Can you tell I was totally expecting another negative?) And I look back at the bitch on the counter there and holy, fuck no, mother of a cow in my bathroom, there's two lines. Clear as day, two lines. I took my shower as usual and processed the information.

Anyway, I digress. The point is: the dreams, they came back. Except... I've been on stuff since after the kid was born and my doctor said it was OK to be on stuff so that this whole 'pregnant thing' didn't happen again. You know what I mean? But the dreams! And then I think about that poor unlucky bunch of mom who are on that 1%. You know the other part of the 99% effective group. Sonofabitch. So after being plagued by these nightly glimpses of pregnant me. Very surreal, real life, dream version of pregnant me, I break down and buy the test.

That was the worst thing I could have done. I wish my non-psychic husband would have just went and bought the damn thing and surprised me in the morning because it was a most tortuous night waiting to get up and pee. I contemplated getting out of bed at 5:00 when I rolled over but noooooooo, I had to nod back off and have another nightmare first.

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